In our interactions with others, it’s easy to misinterpret behavior as intentionally hurtful. A colleague dismisses your idea, a friend stops responding to your messages, or a loved one says something cutting. It’s natural to feel slighted or wounded, but often, these actions aren’t about hurting you at all. They’re about the other person trying to keep themselves safe in the only ways they know how.
Self-Preservation Is a Universal Instinct
At its core, self-preservation drives much of human behavior. People act out of their own fears, insecurities, and survival strategies, many of which are deeply ingrained and unconscious. Someone dismissing your idea might fear it threatens their own standing. A friend going silent might be overwhelmed and unsure of how to respond. A sharp comment from a loved one could stem from their inner frustration rather than actual malice.
Miscommunication Breeds Misunderstanding
What looks like an attack may often be a defense mechanism. Most people aren’t intentionally cruel or harmful; they’re acting out of a desire to shield themselves from perceived harm. Miscommunication can amplify this, making defensive actions feel personal when they are anything but.
Empathy as a Lens for Understanding
When we encounter behavior that feels hurtful, it helps to shift our perspective from “Why are they doing this to me?” to “What might they be protecting themselves from?” By recognizing that most people are operating out of their own fears or limitations, we can begin to depersonalize the experience and see their actions as part of their personal coping mechanism.
Practical Steps to Respond
- Pause Before Reacting: Take a moment to breathe and reflect before assuming intent.
- Ask Questions: Gently inquire into the situation to understand their perspective.
- Set Boundaries: Empathy doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior—communicate your limits kindly but firmly.
- Focus on the Bigger Picture: Remember that everyone is fighting their own internal battles.
Growth Through Understanding
By recognizing that others’ actions are often more about their self-preservation than about hurting us, we not only protect our own peace of mind but also build stronger, more empathetic connections. This mindset helps us grow into more understanding, compassionate individuals while empowering us to navigate relationships with resilience and clarity.
The next time someone’s behavior feels hurtful, pause and reflect: What might they be protecting themselves from? This simple shift in perspective can turn pain into understanding and conflict into connection.